Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
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i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*jingles half the way*
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
B