Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
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Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath