Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.


Watching Mickey’s Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he’s asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.


If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.


My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.


My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?


Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*


Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.