me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.