@MindyFurano

me linking you to my twitter

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@bobvulfov

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

@CoopSoSarc

Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.

@jlock17

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

@ShesARealGenius

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

@NoogsCorner

When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

@slyoung5

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@DvuslyMarvelous

Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?