Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
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Use your brain. It’s free.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
He: is this love or what? She: What.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?