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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.