@ThisOneSayz

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

@LostFelicia

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

@rachelle_mandik

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

@Brampersandon_

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

@lil_mermaid

i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king

@sixfootcandy

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

@sixfootcandy

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

@Mardigroan

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time