14yo: Have you ever smoked marijuana?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
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I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.
But those letters are not silent.
They’re just waiting for their turn.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet