Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
@funTweeters I am at your service….