me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware