me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops