me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

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a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair


hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen



me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax


[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”


I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.


Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.


I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.


Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.


Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.