@KeetPotato

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

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@jonnysun

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

@Shen_the_Bird

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

@TweetsByKaylee

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

@tastefactory

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

@kelly__le

I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

@LindaInDisguise

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

@YoungManDadJoke

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

@Real_Dick_Head

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.