[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
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When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Seems legit
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
shit just got real
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.