Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
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I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“I’m not a fan.”