Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

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Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.


I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.


I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.


Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.


If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.


I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.


I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.


Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.


Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*