@daddydoubts

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

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@10kbabyspiders

Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

@Birdhumms

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

@chrisdelia

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

@dmc1138

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

@sulkywhitegirl

I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.

@Peauxtassium

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

@cpsemple

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

@fro_vo

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*