9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol
ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn
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Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund