@DanaSchwartzzz

ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn

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@ch000ch

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

@CrisMtzgr

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

@UnFitz

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

@daemonic3

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

@ClaytonSykes

That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?