@DanaSchwartzzz

ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn

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@david8hughes

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

@ErrenMichaels

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

@AimeeHelene1

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

@JustDontBugMe

[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

@kimmie_1980

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

@DrakeGatsby

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?