Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
My sock puppet: WOW
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
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My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she’s ever seen me pay a bill
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
lmao this has gotta be from some Tim and Eric bit