@rockymomax

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

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@justokpanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

@MariyaAlexander

My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she’s ever seen me pay a bill

@AndLookPretty

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

@AmericanGent69

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

@Izianikapani

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

@ella__fraser

Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success

@MommaUnfiltered

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.