I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
You Might Also Like
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier
Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don’t have to tell me how a marriage works.
If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now
My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.
If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants
God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?