ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
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Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it