Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Hmm, not sure about this change
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….