@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

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@dave_cactus

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

@FloodyHippie

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

@GeauxSaints79

911:

I’d like to report a Twief!

911: What?

A Twurglar!

911: I don’t follow

You can’t catch em like that. Hurry they’re getting stars!

@geekysteven

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

@daemonic3

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

@markhoppus

“The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era” I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.

@evidentlyblonde

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

@GSElevator

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.