Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
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good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
How to find Kentucky on a map
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!