Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.