Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.