wife: i think we should have children
me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
You Might Also Like
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god
apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-
me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!