@ThugRaccoons

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

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@tweetsbyrocket

[restaurant]

wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza

@rickolantern

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

@AmishPornStar1

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

@UncleDuke1969

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

@Trudacious

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

@mynameisntdave

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

@anerdonfire2

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

@MissHavisham

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

@parsfarce

me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god

apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-

me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!