Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
“no gods no masters” = leo
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.