Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?

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I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food


“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.


I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.


Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”


Coworker: What did you do on vacation?

Me: Didn’t come to work.

Coworker: I know that!

Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.


A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!


Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.

Surgeon: How did you get in here


Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work


older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive




older coworker: you don’t get any cake