I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
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“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”
Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Coworker: What did you do on vacation?
Me: Didn’t come to work.
Coworker: I know that!
Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.
I saw a chameleon today…….he wasn’t very good at being a chameleon.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.
Surgeon: How did you get in here
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
older coworker: you don’t get any cake