Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
pictures of spider-man
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Not my job 😂
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Breaking news:
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines