The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!