Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
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I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
sin harder.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*