Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
You Might Also Like
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Finally!
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.