Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
You Might Also Like
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday