Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.