Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
black phone good
describing stardew valley
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.