“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
brent use the shallow end
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”