@Megatronic13

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

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@skickwriter

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

@mjkspeaks

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

@rocknthepurple

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

@aka_fatman

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

@WGladstone

Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.

@SilleVio

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon