Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

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“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046


[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.


brent use the shallow end
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]


HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window


I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.


Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.


I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old


If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.


When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.



Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”