Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”