me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no