@JB4Realz

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

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@stevecantsmell

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

@jakery

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

@Pandamoanimum

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

@FunnyTunes

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

@Home_Halfway

Loudest noises in the world:

5. Fireworks
4. Motorcycles
3. Gunfire
2. Rockets
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower