Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
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When Girls Are On Their Period
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Loudest noises in the world:
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower