ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.