my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
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According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
when someone rings the doorbell
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
how to have an accident 101
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section