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@Karate_Horse

OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person

@Reverend_Scott

I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”

@dafloydsta

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

@NorCalBratt

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.

@chuuew

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

@Steven37366100

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

@1_swarthy_dude

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”