OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person
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I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
me: truth or dare
me: are birds real
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”