Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”