Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
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Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Saw your ex at the shops
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.