@ChicksRule

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

You Might Also Like

@mejustbeth

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

@ericsshadow

[on a business trip to South Carolina]

Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.

“Welcome to the United States.”

@Smooheed

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

@david8hughes

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

@MavenofHonor

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

@JimmerThatisAll

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

@Rica_Bee

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

@egg_dog

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’