*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Whoa… oh I see lol
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
“Huge”.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.