Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”