cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.