Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

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*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK


[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah


“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo


It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this


Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”


Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.


Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her



911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA


*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*


me: time to apologize. did you eat the receipt?
8: yup
me: ok cause if mom finds out we bought these flowers at the grocery store we’re dead