Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
You Might Also Like
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Just grow your own
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules