@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

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@jonnysun

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

@AnkCoupleTO

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

@WetzelGeek

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

@celizario

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

@LizHackett

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

@simoncholland

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

@andlikelaura

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

@Marlebean

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

@iwearaonesie

me: time to apologize. did you eat the receipt?
8: yup
me: ok cause if mom finds out we bought these flowers at the grocery store we’re dead