*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
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“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
me: time to apologize. did you eat the receipt?
me: ok cause if mom finds out we bought these flowers at the grocery store we’re dead