Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I see your IQ test came back negative
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.