Guarantees in life
2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
You Might Also Like
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”