@BoogTweets

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

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@Mr_Kapowski

Guarantees in life

1. Death

2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill

@stockejock

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

@highxpectation2

No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

@Browtweaten

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

@AbbieEvansXO

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

@turtledumplin

We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.

@Elizasoul80

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

@albz

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

@thatdutchperson

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”