Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
me: my friends:
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters