Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
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If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
me hooking up with my ex
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
so much to do
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach