me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

You Might Also Like


Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?


me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you


Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.


The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.


Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*


Father’s Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.


If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?


If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.


Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning


“My fellow Americans-”
“we are working tirelessly-”
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset