@InternetHippo

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

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@HenpeckedHal

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

@KWalps

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

@girl_a_whirl

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

@ThatLibrary

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

@shawnspree

Father’s Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.

@SinCityChiGirl

If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
#WellThatsAGoodQuestion

@markleggett

If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.

@CyrusMMcQueen

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

@ch000ch

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset