me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
You Might Also Like
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.