ME:i need to use the intercom
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
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Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Joe: I’m going to ask Donald if he wants something to eat
Barack: That’s nice, Joe
Joe: And then I’m going to offer him knuckle sandwiches
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?