@NicestHippo

ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well

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@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@mrtruthandsoul

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

@ImaFlyontheWall

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

@CruisinSoozan

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

@WildeThingy

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

@ndiquote

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

@JillBidenVeep

Joe: I’m going to ask Donald if he wants something to eat
Barack: That’s nice, Joe
Joe: And then I’m going to offer him knuckle sandwiches

@DrakeGatsby

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

@TweetPotato314

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?