@NicestHippo

ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well

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@primawesome

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

@trojansauce

origin stories:

spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe

@MarkAgee

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

@warmyellowlight

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

@DannyDyer5

It always amuses me when I see tweets from people clearly using words they don’t understand, thus making themselves look aerodynamic.

@sad_saurus

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh