“You’ve reached 911”
“This is not-”
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben shot real bad
ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
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Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
*walks into lift*
Guy: going down?
Me: I’ll need a first date for that.
S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
W: No, I did.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.