Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
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*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Well, this is awkward
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
plums roundup
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments