Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

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Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.


Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.


My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so


I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.


Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’


scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien


If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.


Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”