@TuSoonShakur

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

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@rickkondell

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

@LoneWolfStories

Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.

@heyitsJudeD

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

@AmoNickk

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

@ATXBOSS

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

@themiltron

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

@johngaysee

If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.

@QuietPsycho

Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”