Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
What my back needs
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”