Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Meow
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Breaking news:
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
How to make infinite energy.