*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
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Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I’m not proud
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”