Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
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Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.