Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Who called it baking and not making love
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’