Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

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My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.


[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*


The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.


The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling


Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold


A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.


most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english


What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave


When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.


This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob