Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Don’t snitch tag.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
when dads have a rap battle
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.