@DrakeGatsby

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

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@Underchilde

My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.

@KMoFlo_official

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

@adamgoodell

The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.

@codyspencer0

The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling

@TragicAllyHere

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

@NicCageMatch

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

@rachelle_mandik

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

@pharmasean

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

@BlACk__ThRoaT

When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.

@seandunn76

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob