@DrakeGatsby

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

- @DrakeGatsby

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@bourgeoisalien

I misspelled “marriage” and Auto Correct changed it to “mirage.” What do you know that I don’t, Auto Correct?

@gobmentcheese

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

@robfee

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

@Sailsman777

You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”

@Dawn_M_

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

@Michael1979

Step 1: Join a group chat full of strangers
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@SarcasticAlly12

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

@nealbrennan

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

@PFTompkins

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.