@DrakeGatsby

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

- @DrakeGatsby

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@InternetHippo

groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter

everyone (sunbathing in february): ok

@kcmoore51

Me: What are your plans for tonight?

13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.

Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.

@Eden_Eats

Cinderella is my favorite story of a man who couldn’t remember what the face of the love of his life looked like.

@jackiembouvier

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

@sara_ashlynn

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

@likeursoperfect

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”

@KyleMcDowell86

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

@TheTweetOfGod

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

@SouthernCharmSD

“Oh wow, that’s a lot of dishes to ignore,” I say to myself as I walk past the sink.