ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
You Might Also Like
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.