Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
me: make food to eat
chefs: make food to make money to buy food
am I the only smart one on this website????
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I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[Brings date back to my place]
Date: It’s kinda cold in here
Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?
Date: eh..I dunno
Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book
Me: Get the what now?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”