Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.