@parsfarce

me: make food to eat

chefs: make food to make money to buy food

am I the only smart one on this website????

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@NoahGarfinkel

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

@SortaBad

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

@heatherlou_

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

@Ochie2S

[Brings date back to my place]

Date: It’s kinda cold in here

Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?

Date: eh..I dunno

Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit

@Gupton68

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

@Canadian_Cutie_

Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?

@thepatrickwalsh

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”